The Ass Effect

Normally, people only use other people's computers to check their email or screw around with the other person's Facebook. The classic joke is changing the profile picture to something ridiculous, usually an inside joke. Always fun.

Not me. That's kid stuff.

If you are going to pull a harmless practical joke, make it something that will stand the test of time. I mean that in a literal sense. When I am cruel (and I am often cruel) I like it to be something that will be remembered for a while. Mostly because they have to deal with it on an ongoing basis.

That's why when I find someone's computer open, I go right to Facebook. I don't mess with Facebook itself, I just log them out. Then one by one I go to their bookmarks and log out. When I am done, I clear the browser cache and cookies so that for the next few months they slowly have to repopulate their saved passwords and sessions. I consider it a bonus if they have been using the saved password for so long that they forgot what the password is. Score!

Sorry Robert.

Letters Are What's In A Name

My car is filthy. There is a guy that comes by work every Friday and washes cars for our convenience, I just haven't utilized his services yet. I don't think I'm going to. Instead, I spend my weekends driving around looking for a high-school cheerleading squad who is having a bikini clad car wash weekend to raise money for a national cheerleading competition so they can beat the black cheerleading squad that their former captain stole all their award-winning cheers from before she broke her leg and Kirsten Dunst got elected dictator of the cheer-ocracy.

Yes, I did just watch Bring It On. And yes, that was a gigantic run on sentence.

Reading Kirsten Dunst's first name got me thinking about how close she was to being a "Kristen." As far as I know, that's what her parents wanted to name her, but thanks to a typo by the registrar of names (not a real thing) she is stuck with a mispronounced name. If I had a name like that, I would switch which way I wrote it all the time. Then I'd constantly bitch at people for getting my name wrong.

Actually, I do kind of have a name like that. Micah is not a very common name. When people who don't know me ask for my name, they never get it right. They always think that I said "Mike" and then that I either swoon at the sound of my own name or that I'm so stupid I have to verbally think about what I just said. It really isn't that hard. My first name has two syllables. If you ask my name and hear a two-syllable response, don't verify what you heard with a one syllable name.

In my head, this is how those conversations go:

"What's your name?"

"Micah."

"Mike?"

"No you dumbass it took me two breaths to say my name. Does it take two breaths to say 'Mike?'"

"Well...no, I just didn't catch your name."

"That's because you don't listen when people speak. I didn't stutter and I'm a world renouned enunciation-ist, so the problem is clearly on your end. I don't even care if you get my name right, as long as the name you think I said has two syllables in it. Just how dumb are you?"

"Incredibly dumb, sir!"

Unfortunately, because I'm going for the world record in "years alive without being pummeled to death" I can't do that in public. So the real conversations usually go something like this:

"What's your name?"

"Micah."

"Mike?"

"No. Mic-ah."

"Michael?"

"Closer, but still wrong. Mic...ah..."

"Oh, like formica!"

"No you dumbass like my name."

"Your name is too hard to understand the first time you hear it because it's not common enough for me to register it as a real name, so I immediately search my brain for a name I recognize that you must have meant to say instead. I'm a complete tool, let's not be friends."

To clarify, I am not offended when people assume I'm "Mike." I don't actually care. My feelings aren't hurt, I don't get annoyed and it doesn't bother me in the slightest.

I just think it makes people look incredibly stupid. Usually because they are.

Old Year's Resolutions

While other people sit at their computers wasting their lives writing down a long list of hopeful accomplishments in the new year, I am outside doing things. Fun things. Sexy things (I wish). Dull and uninteresting things. I want to be inside, writing down a list of new year's resolutions.

So here I am. Unfortunately, as with every major decision in my life, I have succumbed to over-thinking it. Now I can never do it. I can not resolute the new year. This may turn out to be a good thing.

You see, I have never kept a new year's resolution. Not a single damn one. Ever. Neither have you. Unless you are one of those idiots that makes such absurd resolutions that you can never break them. Many people (I think I have done this before) make these kind of resolutions and then think about how funny they are for being so clever as to exaggerate the concept of new year's resolutions to include things they don't really care about. Yeah, your dungeons and dragons club (Guild? Clan? Whatever.) all got a good laugh out of it, but they are idiots too.

I don't like to do things like that. Instead, I have decided to make a list of all the things I accomplished in 2008 that I didn't want to. It's like new year's resolutions in opposite mode.

1. Graduating College - I dropped out of school almost two years ago now...It was the spring of '07 and I was sick of school, so I simply stopped going. I got a job and had a happy life. Then my mom called and begged, nay, nagged me to go back to school and get a degree all because my parents thought that their fifty-thousand dollar contribution to my education should come with some sort of notarized paper saying good things about my intelligence. I offered to use photoshop and Kinkos to make a degree, she offered to go back in time and use contraception. Well played, mom.

2. Tried New Things - I'm a very simple man. I like what I like and don't care about anything else. But apparently I will do anything if I think it will make me cool. Never before have I done things just to impress people. However, in 2008 I interacted with a record number of people. People are much more cruel that machines, unless those machines are killing you because they are evil. I am not used to being around people, so I got nervous and excited all at once and started broadening my horizons to new experiences. That being said, I now smoke, drink, curse, have sex with prostitutes, eat only organic food and have had several nervous breakdowns. Also, I bought a new toothbrush. It was scary, but my old one had no bristles left and now my gums don't bleed when I brush my teeth, so it was worth it.

3. Traveled the Country - Everyone knows California is the best state in the USA. People sometimes try to say that they like other states better, but they are lying. There are a lot of reasons to lie about not liking California the best, but none of them are good. Anything good about any other state happens better and more frequently somewhere in California. That's really what makes California the best state I think - versatility. California is the only state that has the ability to be just like any other state, only on a grander and more significant scale. Now to tie this all in to traveling the country, I have doubled the number of states I've been to from seven to fourteen. The more I see of the rest of the country, the happier I am that I live in California. Other states are terrible. Especially Texas. Texas sucks. At least everything west of Fort Worth.

4. Saw the Movie Sex and the City - This is shameful and embarrassing. I am trying very hard to come up with something to say in my defense. Somehow, I have made myself speechless. There are no reasons, no justifications, no excuses. I have wronged the world and I feel terrible about it. Not a day goes by that I don't regret watching that awful movie. I spend a majority of my time weeping uncontrollably. The rest of my time is spent practicing my Kung-Fu grip. Someday I hope to be able to crush the throats of small kittens, one in each hand. Killing helpless and adorable animals is the only thing that makes me forget what the travesty I have commited.

5. Cooked Food for/by Myself - I started off slowly by microwaving cup-o-noodles without adult supervision. After having to move twice for some reason, I got the hang of it. Then I learned that you can't cook cup-o-noodles on a stove top. It makes a mess and tastes burnt and catches things on fire. Eventually I learned how to have pizza delivered and throw it in the oven to make it look like I cooked it from scratch. I did have to get my name legally changed to "Pizza Hut," which it turns out isn't legal at all (someone else is already named that). Finally, one day I walked into the kitchen and remembered that I was cooking chicken. Turns out I flung it out of the skillet and onto the floor at the right time for it to be cooked to perfection. So I also spilled some BBQ sauce on the floor and rolled the chicken around in it for several minutes, and it tasted awesome. I also fufilled a bonus item on the list of things I didn't want to do in 2008 and got to eat off the floor! Fun fact about cooking: pots make great hats if they're big enough to fit on your head.

I guess I can be proud of myself for doing so many things last year that I didn't even want to do. It speaks very highly of my ability to fail myself in so many ways. There aren't really any legitimate things that I do well, so I am forced to brag about how good I am at disappointing myself. Yes, this is exactly as sad as it sounds.

Oh well...On to a new year. I would get my hopes up for 2009, but hope has never worked for me before. I'm already looking forward to 2010.

Edward Cullen is a Douche Bag and Anyone That Likes Twilight is a Moron

I don't care that I've never seen the movie or read the books, Twilight sucks. I saw the preview for the movie. It was terrible! You know a movie is pure trash when you can't even stand to sit through the trailer. Maybe Robert Pattinson is a decent actor, I don't know - or care, but he will never be respected as an actor now that he played Edward Cullen. Why? Because the concept of a Vampire soap opera is one of the stupidest things that has ever happened to America.

Admittedly, I know absolutely nothing about Twilight aside from the fact that it is pure shit. Everything about it as an entity is shit. I don't even like the word "shit," but sometimes in life there are things that can't adequately be described as "crap." Some people think that you can't know how bad something is if you don't know a lot about it. In most cases, I would agree with them. But in the case of Twilight, it has a certain trait that is shared exclusively by things that are completely worthless.

What is this trait, you ask? Well be patient for a damn minute and I'll tell you.

It's the fact that it is extraordinarily popular with girls aged 11-24. Let's think of other things that are popular with girls in this age range that are incredibly stupid:

1. Boys aged 11-24

2. Anything having to do with High School or musicals, especially when combined somehow...

3. Cute animals

4. Being way too insecure about their looks

5. Televised melodrama (the Hills, Gossip Girl, One Tree Hill, the O.C., Grey's Anatomy, etc.)

6. Posters of "cute boys."

7. Being sluts

8. Being prudes

9. Being bitches

10. Getting offended too easily

11. Having terrible senses of humor

12. Boy bands

Really, I thought of about 500 other things off the top of my head but I realized I was getting very off track. Plus, I have a lot of good friends that are girls that I may have just alienated. That is very bad. If you are still reading this, I'm sorry that your gender tends to have poor taste in the things they find interesting.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that as a generalization, the stupidest people on Earth are girls under 24. Yes, men and minorities (as generalized groups) like a lot of dumb shit too. The main difference between the stupid things "young women" (that's what adults call them) like and the stupid things that everyone else likes, is the level of obsession that females have the capacity to exert. Never have I seen anything as ridiculously obnoxious as a girl who is really, really into something. I guess nobody taught them that you have have positive inclinations towards something without being neurotically obsessed with it.

For some reason, girls are unable to like something without screaming about it incessantly. Even in private settings, if you mention something that like, they will let out a shrill squeal because saying "oh, I really like that" just doesn't cut it. And if they are in a group where they all like something? Fuck that. I don't hang around girls in groups, solely because I don't want to be anywhere near them when they realize that they all dress up for Harry Potter movies.

But the craziest part of all is that I can forgive all that. I can get over their crazed fanatacism. I only wish it was that easy. Unfortunately, it's not just the obsessing. The main problem is with the things being obsessed over. All the things that girls get obsessed with are mind-numbingly stupid. And it's getting progressively worse. Each new phenom is more rediculous than the last. When I hear about it, read about it, or see it, I am quite literally filled with rage at how moronic girls can be. Since I am not a girl, and therefore have rational thought, I will never understand how they can enjoy most of what they enjoy in the same way that I will never understand why people can enjoy movies written by Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer.

There are a lot of stupid people in the world of all the variations, but none quite as stupid as those who like anything targeted at the young female demographic.

OMG! Ur Engaged!?!

I don't understand the trend of taking "engagement pictures." To be honest, I'm not even sure how long this has been happening. Did our parents all take these pictures, or is it just the current generation of marriages-to-be? For all I know this is an ancient practice dating back to the old days when kids stayed off other people's lawns and everyone wore bifocals so thick that someone accidentally invented telescopes. Regardless of when it started or why people started doing it, it's a pretty stupid tradition.

For those who don't know what "engagement pictures" are, it is the idea of taking pictures for the sole purpose of making people who are single feel very bad about themselves, in the guise of celebrating your engagement. This is very distinct from taking pictures of the actual process of your particular engagement for a very good reason: it is interesting to see how other people choose to propose. If only because some day I may lose a majority of my brain function and decide to get married, and I can look back on all the different ways my friends have proposed for ideas.

Engagement photos are not interesting to look at in the least bit. I still look at them, of course, but only so I can get increasingly angry at how pointless and stupid they are. The only possible reason anyone would have to look at engagement photos is if they are a girl and haven't sighed wistfully in a while.

Why do people even bother with engagement pictures? Maybe if you are a photographer it's a great idea. You get to, essentially, sell people their love. If I had any sort of artistic talent with a camera, I would solely be an "engagement photographer." I would have the perfect business pitch. "Sure, you say you're in love, but where's the material evidence?" Recently engaged couples would get to thinking and realize that it's true. Unless they can prove they are in love, there is a good chance that no one believes they really are. Plus, who can resist a chance to boost the ol' ego by showing off how great your life is?

Naturally, the photo session ("sesh", in the photographers world) would be pretty generic and bland:

1. Find an obscure "nature-y" park with lots of leaves and foliage and paths to walk down.

2. 500 pictures of hugging and smiling

3. 500 pictures of hold hands while doing various boring things (like walking, sitting, hugging, and smiling, of course)

4. 500 close-up shots of just the hands being held

5. 500 pictures of doing the cute things you normally do when you're alone that make everyone else disgusted when they walk in on you doing them. (as a side note, it's amazing how everything "humiliating" turns into "cute" by adding a person of the opposite gender and sexual attraction to the mix)

6. Finally, a single shot of the couple walking away from the camera down a beautiful nature path with the heads and most of the upper-body turned back towards the camera. Don't forget to hold hands too! Just in case people aren't convinced yet.

There, now you have 2,001 pictures that nobody but you will ever want to see. You can put them into a picture album so that 30 years from now when you're sick of each other and constantly fighting you have something to show your children as proof that you were happy together at one point in time. Oh, and here's a DVD with all of the pictures on it so that you can make a digital album on every possible website that lets you upload pictures to it. They can also be easily made into "save the date"s or mass e-mails that force people to either seem incredibly rude, or send you accolades, thus affirming your love and happiness through your peers and family!

Hooray!





P.S. I noticed that I used a lot of words with quotation marks around them. I had no idea this was going to happen and I don't plan on doing it again in the future. I apologize to those who may be offended by my brazen abuse of the two-finger salute. Next time I will go overboard on the semicolons to compensate.

This Just In

Fox news is a bunch of assholes. I'm assuming most other news networks are too, but I just happened to be watching Fox in the background while participating in the Fergusun Challenge. Needless to say (actually, I guess I need to say it in order for anyone to understand what I'm talking about), something interesting caught my ear. I used the awesome power of our DVR player to rewind live television so I could hear it again.

Apparently, I could be killing myself without even knowing it. The newscasters said that the popular earbud earplugs that everyone (most notably, me) wears to listen to music could "be bad for some people's hearts." I have a heart, in the technical sense, at least. In many cases I also fall into the category of "some people." Naturally, this piqued my interest. I waited for five damn minutes during the commercial break - because they always have commercial breaks right after telling you something you use on a daily basis could be deadly - to find out why I was going to maybe die.

When the news came back on, I was paying attention. But not for very long. Once they got to the actual story, they revealed that the tiny magnets in the earbuds could mess with pacemakers in the rarest of circumstances. The only people who could possibly be hurt by this stupid fact are people who should be dead by nature's design.

I'll admit that at first I was a little embarrassed that I had actually thought for a second I might somehow be affected by anything on the TV news. Then I remembered the only other time in my life that I trusted the news when I thought for a second that rubber bands could be deadly, until it was revealed that they could only hurt me if I was a baby that tried to eat them. This memory coupled with my new memory made me angry as I slowly realized that news programs don't give a crap about real news or giving people what fake news they do have. All they care about is making you afraid for your life so you will watch their dumb program.

What a good news program should say is "find out how enjoying music can blow up your heart if you have a pacemaker." Instead, news programs are specifically designed to give away as little information as possible and make their death threats as vague and widely applicable as possible. Sure, this isn't a new revelation. People often mock the news for being useless and stupid and many of the anchors for being shallow and ugly underneath their poorly done makeup.

I just never cared until those bastards made me look stupid.

Cyber-Bullies (The People Who Get Beat Up By Real Bullies)

I guess cyber-bullying is a big problem to some people. They don't like it when their nerdy children are harassed via electronics by other, smarter, nerdy children. I don't get why people care about that. First of all, nerds need to build their self-confidence somehow. They get beat up by real bullies, so let them have their superiority online. Second, if you have a kid that is actually hurt by something on the Internet, you have raised a terrible child. Everyone knows the Internet is a rough neighborhood. How do you think your child is going to handle the real world if they come crying every time someone hurts their digital feelings? We are so worried about protecting our poor, weak, stupid, sensitive offspring that we forget to let them grow up. I say, let them get their data hurt on the Internet, where nothing bad can actually happen to them. But what if someone posts an embarrassing video of them on YouTube? Instead of trying to get the other person in trouble for being "mean," teach your child how to not do embarrassing things.

Someday, when I kidnap children and raise them as my own, they aren't going to get my e-sympathy. I will make it very clear to them that the real world is a harsh, moronic place, and the best way to get used to it is to develop a thick skin in the safety of your own home. Who knows, I may even cyber-bully them a bit myself just to teach them that you can't trust anyone. I will also teach them how to fight in real life, and track down where people live using the Internet.

But I'm not really here to talk about my personal life. I want to talk about a different kind of cyber-bullying. The kind of cyber-bully that involves one electronics company making fun of another electronics company without ever advertising themselves. This means you, Mac. Specifically, I want to talk about the television commercials Mac makes involving the charming young man that everything thinks is Jake Gyllenhaal but is really Justin Long from Galaxy Quest obscurity and an awkwardly proportioned middle aged man. Everyone has seen these commercials, and everyone likes them (except maybe Bill Gates). Until now.

I think that the most recent slew of Mac advertisements is nothing more than an expensive form of cyber-bullying. For those who haven't seen them, it's imperative that you do to understand what I am talking about, so here:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MimCZikP8cY
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=50DHHMBIJf8
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SVqcF9XowV8

After watching those, I feel confused. I know they are Mac commercials, but I must have missed the part of the commercial that actually commercialized anything. At what point did Mac stop advertising Macs in their commercials? They have devolved themselves into junior-high bullies. Mac is traditionally considered classy (at least to me), but they have thrown it away in favor of giving a virtual wedgie to Microsoft. This series of commercials has always been humorous, poking fun a Microsoft while talking about how awesome Macs are. But as you can clearly see, the only reason we know what's going on in these new commercials is because we have seen so many before...and the Mac logo at the end. However, the content of the advertisements themselves are purely ad hominem. Mac has abandoned the charm and class of yesteryear and embraced the charm and class of politics.

Everyone already knows that Vista is a terrible operating system. What does Mac hope to accomplish by making fun of it? I don't think it would be a problem if they even mentioned Macs at all in the commercials, but they don't. They instead have created an electronic circle-jerk for Mac users whose only pleasure in life (aside from using their computer) is burning ephagies to Microsoft on their front lawn.

Why do you think Mac has resorted to this tactic? They just came out with a new line of Macbooks, why don't they talk about them? The new Macbooks are super sleek and made out of shiny aluminum. Who cares that they don't even have firewire ports? They're made out of aluminum.

Mac has let their popularity get to their head. They have become the jocks of the computer world. They push Microsoft around even though on the inside they are really insecure about how they couldn't even make a laptop that both right clicks and has firewire. So they stopped talking about themselves, afraid that if they bring themselves up the conversation will come around to what kind of ports the new Macbooks have (or don't have) and what they had to sacrifice for that good-looking aluminum casing. (Hint: they had to sacrifice firewire.)

I'm not looking to turn this into a debate about which is better, because truthfully, I don't care which is better. I use Windows PC's because I get them for free or build them myself, end of story. My point is that when you stop advertising yourself, and instead choose to focus all your attention on criticizing your biggest competitor, it makes you look petty and immature.

Windows may be a sickly nerd that isn't very good at anything, but come on Mac, there's no good reason to be a douche bag about it.